meeting my younger self for coffee

I saw this trend on Instagram yesterday and knew I had to hop on it. In 2023, thinking about my younger self and what I wish I had known really tortured me. But, eventually, I realized what all great writers do: Characters aren’t interesting without a character arc. And that takes a journey of self discovery.

I was reading all these prosaic, heartfelt declarations on Instagram, excited to write my version…but then I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. Because I realized something: we are not alone.

Most of these women met a younger version of themselves that was some combination of disheveled, directionless in life, and dealing with insecurity (usually of the I-need-to-weigh-less variety). And the present them was now confident, fully blossomed.

For a second, I felt sad that I wasn’t this woe-is-me character with an amazing arc. But then there was an amazing sense of camaraderie. And a pride that we’ve all grown as people, from girl to woman.

But here is my version nonetheless. I am nothing special. I have not mounted insurmountable, unrelatable obstacles. Many of us in our youth dated the wrong person, battled with health, and hated the mirror’s reflection.

But here’s to growing up. Here’s to having coffee with your former self . . . and leaving proud of who you walk out as.

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I met my younger self for coffee the other day.

She was right on time. I was 5 minutes late, because I’m not as rigid anymore. I’m not constantly afraid to do the wrong thing and get in trouble with The Adults. (Because I am The Adult.)

She got a skinny mocha with coconut milk and only half the sweetener because she wanted to stay in a calorie deficit. I got an Aztec mocha because I don’t care about that anymore.

She wore a baggy sweater and business pants. You could see even through the layers how utterly ashamed she was. She was so excited to see that I was dressed bright and fun, the way we’d always wanted to: red velvet doc martins with tall white socks and a burgundy dress with a white tunic on top for layering.

She was so quiet; I’d forgotten how quiet I used to be. People say I’m gentle now, but I was shook by the gentleness she had. It made me mourn for a second—before I remembered that now I had a spine.

She was a graphic design major in college—she’d wanted to be a designer since she was 13. But her mom had cancer, and she had shut down and didn’t care about much anymore, losing herself in her creative projects. I thought about how this small girl would get her dream of being a designer, one day moving to LA—and her creative projects would still save her.

She told me how she felt invisible. How she fought against the scale every day. How she could barely get out of bed and couldn’t figure out if she had an autoimmune disease, a deficiency, or celiac (she barely even knew the words hormone imbalance yet). She saw how healthy I was, how happy. She noticed I wasn’t wearing makeup and was shocked. She asked me how we get to this wonderful place; she grabbed my hands and begged for my secret. But I smiled, with tears in my eyes, and told her that it was the journey itself that transformed us.

She looked at my left hand and noted there is no ring. She asked if we’re still single. I think about the dark path before her, but the crazy bright future that comes of it. Again, I teared up, because I wished I could tell her to say no to the boy with the empty eyes—but again, I hold my tongue. because she must go through fire. I think of the man I end up with, and she sees the giant smile on my face. But all I tell her is that loving people loyally and passionately is her superpower, and that she should never be ashamed of it.

I wish I could tell her to stop throwing a pity party. To get outside more. To research health, and learn how to cook. But I know she will have to retreat inside of herself before coming out again. So I bite my tongue.

We part, and I’m ok with never seeing her again. I just want to remember her, because I marvel at the amount of self growth God has worked in me. It gives me hope, that I can change to be a better person that brings light and love to the world.

And it also reminds me that I never have to stop learning or growing.