If you Google “dating a coworker,” the amount of horror stories that come up will ensure that you always keep 6 feet between yourself and any potential corporate love connections.
And, for the most part, I’d say that’s wise advice.
Things can get SUPER messy, from complications if they’re your superior to awkwardness if you guys break up. Hand out the pink and blue ribbons (*Gilmore Girl reference*)—the whole office will have to choose sides!
BUT—
It ended up working out for me.
Here’s the thing: I had sworn off of marriage. At the ripe age of 24, I’d learned how expertly people can hide their true colors. And it terrified me. I thought dating someone from church would keep me safe. I’d always been told: find someone who’s serving at church! They should be singing in choir, packing Bibles in boxes, and signing up for mens’ Bible studies.
It’s a surefire way to find a husband!
Well, find a husband, maybe. But find someone who wants to be a husband? Or just have a wife? Oof.
It’s very easy to cosplay Christianity for a few hours every week. But behind closed doors, terrors await.
How could I ever trust that someone would be real with me again? Unless I was with them 24/7. And all the Netflix true crime docs agree: you should not invite a stranger to live with you until you are 100% sure they are mentally stable (just watch a few episode of Worst Roommate Ever).
Well, that was that. I couldn’t ever get married. I was not promising “til death do us part,” only to find out I’d been unwittingly locked into a 60-year contract with a narcissist.
BUT THEN—
How do you get to know someone?
For real?
Well, the way that question was answered for me was in the form of a sweet “emo kid” from the midwest. I was on the graphic design team of a nonprofit, and the day he waltzed in the door I remember my whole body breathed a sigh of relief.
I am always scanning the men in my vicinity for threats.
I know which men I would be ok staying late with to work at the office—and I know which ones do not pass the test.
And Ben always made me feel at peace. I knew from the beginning: he would never hurt me. He proved to be trustworthy. He got the job done quickly, efficiently, and didn’t ask silly questions (even if I had given him the bare minimum of information). He became an ally.
And from that trust grew friendship. Ben made me laugh until my sides hurt, and in the midst of the laughter, I wanted to cry because I realized I hadn’t laughed like that in over two years.
I soon realized I was falling for him. And that was so, so bad. I loved my job. I was a Senior Graphic Designer, and I was really good at it. If I dated him and it didn’t work out, I could lose everything.
And besides, every blogpost on dating a coworker basically said: “ARE YOU CRAZY???” Because not only was he a coworker, but he was on my team (a fellow graphic designer). We could break an entire department apart.
We spent a lot of time getting to know each other outside of work, which was good, but I feel it was at work that was the most important. He saw how I reacted when I got a last-minute project with no direction. I saw how he responded when someone asked for more variations at 4:37 p.m. and, by the way, they needed them by EOD.
We saw each other messy. 8 hours a day. I got to know him outside of dating mode, where you’re censoring yourself and putting on a mask.
We saw each other real.
The good thing about a very bad relationship is that it’s a great way to learn what you don’t want and, thusly, what you do want in a life partner.
BAD: Hating all your friends
GOOD: Understanding that your friends are important, and building his own friendships with them
BAD: “I’m the man, I’m not about to do chores or take care of our children”
GOOD: “…What do you MEAN ‘Will you change the baby’s diaper’? I thought that was part of the job description! Of course I will!” (Yup, that’s one of the moments that made me fall in love with Ben)
In my mind, I had a list of HARD NO’S. Hindsight is 20/20: the amount of what I’d put up was crazy. But, at least I knew better now. No one could ever weaponize my gentleness again.
But then, whaddya know? Here comes this sweet black-lab-esque guy (he’s not quite a golden retriever, but black lab is perfect) who is consistent and trustworthy and also loves music and is a graphic designer and I actually enjoy hanging out with him and he opens car doors for me and makes sure he’s walking on the right side of me to protect from traffic and . . . and . . .
Do you see now why I took a chance?
So, no. Generally, I don’t recommend that you date your coworker. But I do recommend that you be picky, and that you compile a list of traits you do (and don’t) want.
And if you happen to find someone who meets all these specifications, isn’t putting on a facade, and they just happen to work with you—
You might as well try.
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